If you ever noticed, most of my entries are related to love or my lovelife. Well, that is because I’m really enthusiastic to pour out my feelings when I am in-love and when my heart is broken.
I’m really wondering why I really don’t like those times that I don’t have a boyfriend or atleast someone I flirt with and who flirts back. I’m starting to think that I am really an attention-seeker, kulang sa pagpalangga. I don’t know but I kinda blame it to the environment I grew up.
I grew up with my sister having my grandparents by our side coz my mum works abroad and I don’t have my father here. My grannies don’t really cared that much maybe because they are old and because we’re not really theirs. Though when I was young I thought they are our real parents and thought of my mum as my auntie not until I’m 3 or 4 years old. My mother on the other hand can’t be with us for a long time. She’s always out of the country ’cause she doesn’t like being here, she doesn’t like the opportunities offered here in the Philippines and she said she can’t earn as much as she earns abroad if she just stay. I’m even afraid of her because she’s kind of violent and strict. A word from her can make me cry and ruin my day. When I was younger, I even cursed her.
My dad? Let’s not talk about him now.
So, with these I struggled growing up and learned almost everything by myself. My mum was amazed that I got honors even with no help from them and that made me proud of myself. I started doing things my way because I learned it my way too and that made me strong enough that I became independent and more mature than most of my batchmates in my elementary and high school years.
Love entered my life when I was in first year high school. Well, maybe not love but that was the first time I had a boyfriend. My mum always tells me, up to now,
NO BOYFRIEND. But I got loads of them and she can’t complain cause everytime she found out I have one, I already broke up with whoever that was. So she can’t really do anything. I only promise not to have one again, but of course I’m lying.
That first time, I really felt different. It’s as if someone really cared for me, loved me and was there for me. Though I can’t tell him everything, atleast there’s someone I can turn to, someone I could tell my worries, I could report my day, could complain why this world is so cruel. Because with my family, I can’t even tell when my friend tells me that I look mean or simply when I’m worried about what will happen to my crush or my friend or whatever. I just can’t tell them even a simple problem cause they’ll just say “ay biga-bigaon, gaga, tara-tara”. With that, I learned to shut up my mouth when it comes to matter about myself and the change I am experiencing while growing up.
The only persons I could turn to are my “boyfriends”. They encourage me to do this and do that with “I love you”, “take care” and “goodluck”. I can feel their “love” even if it’s just maybe imaginary or whatever. Atleast they’re not making false judgements about me, or if they are I could just end the relationship and find someone new. Unlike my family, I can’t fire them in my life, I can’t erase them, so if they call me something bad or do cruel things to my feelings, I can’t do anything, I just can’t end our bond. We’re family.
So, that’s why when I don’t have someone who says he loves me, I am very very sad and I tend to be worried about it. I think that nobody loves me anymore, that nobody cares. I have that mindset that if nobody loves me, I want to die. But I don’t really wanna die, I don’t know.
I just figured out at some point of my life that the reason behind me, wanting to have a lovelife all the time is because I never really felt it with my family.
In short, papansin lang gid ko.
(pero okay man kami sang family ko ah, i love them)