I have been lost for a while and I want myself back.
It all started when I met this old friend for about 2 weeks already. The last time I saw him was months ago. Last supposed-to-be-end-of-the world I invited my friend to eat somewhere in the town. I am still in Miagao because I have matters for my research paper. We talked a lot and I mentioned that I am wishing to see this old friend but it’s always impossible. He’s a home buddy you know. And so I said maybe some other day. I don’t know the reason why I don’t see him often. We are in the same town but I can’t seem to see him around, it’s like the world does not want us to meet. And so that time I decided to go home but my friend asked me to stop by her apartment and so I said yes, I was alone in the house anyway. We stopped for a while to say hi to our friend near the church and after we said goodbye, I turned around to walk and I suddenly saw him. What the? How on earth? And he said “Wow. Hi. Diin ka makadto?” and I was like “Huh? Sa… sa… sa ila… ambot ah.” I was caught off guard. I was like floating that instant and I don’t know what to say. I kept on thinking about him that that night I want to celebrate. And so when my friend invited me to join her have some fun in a place near our school, I immediately said yes.
While waiting for her I never realized that that old friend will be there also. Shit! What a day, indeed. We had fun and we talked a little. I missed that moment. That instant I realized that there are really things in life that you don’t want to let go, that there are some persons you don’t want to forget; you don’t want them to get out of your life.
I fantasized that moment. It was like a dream come true. Except for what happened a week later. I saw him again and it’s not the same anymore. He’s not as “friendly” as he was before. It’s like I was a stranger, or not. I don’t know. We still talked, he actually talked too much but that night I lost control. I was out of my mind. I told him everything I wanted to say. I know deep down inside I wanted him to know those things but not that way. I’m wasted. While I was doing the talk he was there listening. I can’t remember if he said anything but the words “I still care”. What on earth was that supposed to mean? It was not even an answer to my question. It’s vague!
And so that’s why I’m lost. I can’t seem to pick up all my memories. I can’t seem to remember everything. I don’t want to remember because maybe I’ll get even worse. I just want to find myself again. I just want to be happy again.
Maybe someday we will be fine, maybe someday I will be fine. Who knows?