I am confused. I don’t want to be stuck with the idea that I did it again, I fell for it one more time. I always say to myself that I have to focus on one thing and that is to finish what I’ve started. I used to say that I can make it alone. I even built hard and thick walls around me just to make sure no one could easily destroy and shake up the independence I have so long enjoyed. Well, I guess no one did, except myself. I loosen it up that’s why I am back with the stupid self I once had. I’m back with all these paranoia and over thinking. I’m back with I-am-ugly-that’s-why-nobody-likes-me attitude. I’m back with always thinking that I am bad person. A real bad one. I don’t want to do this again but I can’t force myself not to think of the possibilities. I’m always thinking of the happiness I will get, of the love I could give and of finally quenching the lack of “care” I thirst for so long.
But you can’t force things to be what you want them to be. You can’t force people to feel what you want them to feel. I always thought, this is it. This could be different. But I think I was just clouded by my own pathetic feelings. I hate this. I want to sleep early and at ease at night again. I want to stop looking at my phone expecting for a text or sometimes, a call. I want to smile because I made myself happy. I want my old self back.
Unfortunately, I can’t. I am drowned by the idea that I could be better than this. That I can still have the world that’s full of happiness. I hate hoping but I am hoping for it. I hate hoping but I am hoping there could be a perfect two. I hate hoping. I really hate it.