cherishing my independence

I ran away from home when I was just nineteen years old with only less than a thousand pesos in my pocket. I left our house crying because I cannot take the violence that my mother inflicted upon me and my sister. I decided to be alone. I was on my fourth year in college then. I had no money, I had no work; I only had friends and courage. After a week, the meager amount of money that I possessed was almost gone. I was only thankful to my friends for being sensitive enough to help me. A semester passed and I have no idea how I made it. I was thankful I had a scholarship grant to subsidize my tuition so I enrolled during the last semester of college. I also had a monthly scholarship allowance but it was never enough. After a month during the start of the second semester, I found an online job and it kept me moving for almost four months.

I learned everything the hard way. I had thesis trips and projects. I had school obligations. I have to pay for graduation expenses. Sometimes I am so lost that I don’t want to wake up anymore. I want to sleep forever. Graduation is coming and I still don’t have what I need. I did not have a dress, I did not have a Sablay; I did not have shoes. I have nothing. Again, I was thankful for my friends for being there. They have provided me almost everything. I graduated and I was so proud of myself.

It was really hard growing up with a mother who never said a positive thing in her life, who was always suspicious and tearing you down. For a long time I have let her said hurtful things about me, what was worse was that for a long time, I have believed her. I have not heard anything from my mother since that day. She was never there. She never cared. I only heard from my aunt that she is happy with her life with my sister. Until now, almost two years later, I am still alone and I have never regretted any of my decisions after I left home. Actually, running away was one of the decisions I was most proud of. That day, I have decided to break free and finally think of myself for the first time in my life. I have decided to go against the current because the path I am taking was polluted.

Being independent is not a bad thing. I know each of us have the inner desire to break free. We all want to get rid of the chain that is holding us back to maximize our personal potentials. We all want to get away from the dictating hands of our parents and from the invisible pressures of the society. We want to go the distance. But most of us are afraid. The desire to cut loose is all in the head because we are afraid that we cannot make it to the world without any person to depend on. We are afraid to be alone. We are afraid to be unloved. But I guess most of the people are wrong about that. It took me nineteen years of fear to decide to get away and finally have a taste of true happiness and self-satisfaction. I have been alone for quite a long time but I am still alive. In fact, I have developed all there is to learn about survival, about life. In a world where not all of us can always get what we want, I think that we need to have the sense of independence because it will help us face everyday with a head held up high.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Jeyna Grace says:

    Must be hard growing up, but at least you took a step to stand up for yourself!

    1. Jordana Mari says:

      Thanks Jeyna. It’s hard but it gets better!

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