another shitty post

I was waiting in line just a while ago in BDO. My boss asked me to pay the office’s telephone bill. While queuing,I thought of so many things. I don’t know, lately, I feel so alone and sometimes lonely. I’m feeling the need for companionship. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing things alone. Really. When I am alone, I feel an extreme self-satisfaction. When I am alone, I feel my self-esteem rising but sometimes, there are moments when I want company, not just of friends, but maybe someone who could really be there for me.

I am not saying that I am not contented with my friends. I love them and they can keep me breathing but there is a different dynamics when it comes to a relationship – in my case a boyfriend-girlfriend one. When you have a lover, you are authorized to have a sense of ownership. You can’t do that to your friends. They have their own lives. I don’t exactly know how to own someone and I was often misunderstood as someone who doesn’t care but I really care if you just know me enough to get my ways. In a conventional relationship, you must be as clingy as you can to be appreciated. Well, I am not that person. I will let you have a piece of what you want, I will let you set your own schedule, I just wanted a little bit of your time and if you really love me, just 100% honesty. My past relationships got that, or at least I think so, because when I asked them if I was a bad girlfriend, they both said I am not and I am probably one of the best. I felt their sincerity in saying that. We can get along if we both understand each other. Unfortunately, both did not end happily.

Now, I am pushing myself to be romantically demanding because if I’m not, I will continue being alone for a long time. As I’ve said, I don’t have a strong sense of ownership, but I think I have to in order to satisfy myself and to have someone when I want to. I need to command and demand attention. Actually, while typing this, I am arguing with myself. My head is telling me, “Really? Are you fucking sure? You can’t even own yourself. Demanding attention is so pathetic and to think you are not in a relationship right now. That was so presumptuous.” I am back to my old self again. That’s what I am trying to say. I have sets of rules but it is so uncommon that I cannot find a place for it in this world so I try to conform. Sometimes, I even wanted to be a nice, feminine girl just to fit in. But I don’t really care. It’s not who I am. I don’t know. There is a contradiction within me.

It’s been years since I last have someone in my life. It’s been so long but I don’t really want to be in a relationship just to fill the gap of my aloneness. I want to be in a relationship with someone who knows my dark side, who knows my flawed ways and my imperfections. I am not a bad person but I am not exactly a good one. I want to be with someone who can judge me rationally. I am telling the world that I want to have someone who generally look at me as a bad person but who can see a little spark of goodness in me. I don’t prefer otherwise. I don’t expect a perfect person, a perfect combination and what not. I only expect someone I deserve.

I am writing this to let my feelings out. It keeps on haunting me. I can’t stop.

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